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Jesus Says, "Buy the DVD"

The body of Jesus Christ, the first Guantanomo detainee to be executed in the Bush administration's War On Terror, was noted to be missing from the downstairs morgue in the pre-dawn hours this morning. A massive manhunt was ordered by the Department Of Homeland Security, ending abruptly in the face of an exclusive CNN broadcast with Geraldo Rivera, where Christ spoke from an undisclosed location.

During the interview, the Son of Man reiterated his plea to the administration and it's supporters to stop using him as a reference and "profaning" his message "in the worst possible way" with what He referred to as their "totalitarian, theocratic agenda".

In 2001, Christ was detained during a village sweep in Northern Afghanistan in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, and had been held incommunicado by U.S. forces over what he described as a hellish five years...Christ was ordered put to death when he refused to publicly declare his support for the efforts of the Bush administration and the evangelical movement that has spawned much of it's backing. In his famous closing statement, Christ decreed that He "didn't wear a crown of thorns so you all can commit mass murder while professing to care about the unborn, didn't endure beatings that would make Mel Gibson avert his eyes so you could preach intolerance of gay marriage while your priests were raping children,  didn't die on a cross so you could deny evolution...my children, you had better beleive in evolution if the human race is to survive!"

The irate Messiah went on to compare his awakening to the ancient Greek proverb that art, not history, is the great preserver of truth,
and outlined His plans to release the DVD version of his pet film project, the auto-biographical "Jesus Christ Terrorist" which, ironically, premiered on the night of his execution...